I have to say these past few months have been some of the worst times of my life. Before you jump to conclusions, I’m going to ask you to finish reading this blog post. High school is hard enough as it is, trying to fit in and stand out all at the same time. It was the first semester of my junior year, the most important year that is said to determine your future. It was a lot of stress. I was stressing over grades, my reputation, the future. I grew apart from those that I was closest to and felt completely alone, singled out. I stopped going to church as often because I was “too tired” or “had a lot of homework.” Excuses. I pretended not to care what others thought about me, but in reality, I did. I started to lose passion and motivation to do the things I love and used to come so easy to me. I felt as if my gifts weren’t appreciated and wouldn’t help me in the grand scheme of things. I witnessed loss and pain and suffering happen to good people– some of the best people. How was that fair? I had no idea– I still have no idea– what I want to do with my life, like where will I go to college? What will I grow up to be? The little things. Then, there were the big things. I made some of the worst decisions I have ever made. And the worst part is, I chose them consciously and knew the consequences. I became the person I didn’t want to be. I was ashamed and embarrassed and lost. But, I refused to wallow 0r pity myself, which made my situation even harder. Then, bad things happened to me that I had absolutely no control over. What was I to do then? My world was collapsing– or that’s what it seemed like. It was like I lost a piece of myself.
I have to say these past few months have been some of the best times of my life. You’re probably wondering how the worst times of my life could somehow become the best times, it’s an antithesis really. But, that’s just how life works, isn’t it? We learn from our mistakes and it might take months for us to realize it, but those mistakes were made for our own good. Over these past few months, I made several mistakes and I lost myself for a while. But, I formed relationships with people and became closer with friends that really changed my life. I vowed to become the best person I could possibly be and find the good in everyone, so I prayed for my enemies, even though it was difficult. I decided to fill myself with joy. Happiness comes and goes at times, but joy will always be there if you allow it. If you invest yourself in Jesus, you will never be alone. If you ask for forgiveness for your mistakes and your sins, you will be forgiven, even if they’re the worst mistakes you’ve ever made. There’s still time to change your life around. The world is a confusing place and it’s hard not to conform to the ways of society, but anything is possible. I think that’s what I lost sight of over these past few months; hope. Hope for a future, hope for forgiveness, hope for love and respect. But, suddenly without my noticing, I found myself. I was lost and then I was found. And it may seem cheesy and condescending to you that I tore myself apart just to realize that I became better person, but that’s the truth. I thought I was ruined and could never be forgiven for my own conscious decisions, but it’s truly amazing how God’s love works. It’s unconditional. When you’re looking for everything that proves your world is collapsing, you lose sight of the good, important things. Bad things happen to everybody, we have no control over it, that’s just how it is. Yet, it’s how we use those trials to better ourselves in our faith that truly matters. I must say I grew in my faith immensely over these past few months. I still have a long way to go, but at least I’m moving. I still am repenting for my sins, but I feel His love and forgiveness working inside me.
This isn’t meant to be a post that says ‘see ya 2015, I’m looking forward to this new year!’ It’s quite the opposite. I want to say that I’m happy where I am. I’m taking back my life one day at a time, living in the present. I know God has plans for my future and is in control, so there is nothing to be worried about. These past few months have been extremely eye opening and life changing, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I talked about the year 2015 and embraced my past, but the past is in the past. I have hope. I’m healing. I’m choosing to live now.
Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it. [Luke 17:33]